When everything is absolutely PERFECT!!!!!

Today Is one of the best days of my entire life! I finally signed up for my SATs, and I'm getting them for free, I found out about a GREAT scholarship and...

I GOT A JOB!!!

AT LAST!!! after searching for months I finally got a job! I'm working at a Gym and I start training tomorrow! oh..words cannot express the happiness I am feeling. I'm glad I'm finally getting a break! Things are looking up!!!

I don't know where the past week went...it flew by.

Things are settling down now, my friend's parents are better now, it's still a lot of drama, but things are ok.

I'm having my own problems now...not as serious, but nonetheless, problems. In one of my classes there is a boy who is the exact clone of my ex. He talk, walks, and acts the same way he did, he even looks like him, same build, same expressions, only 4 years younger. So it's not easy to see him and have him talk to me because it's a constant reminder, and it's emotionally tiring, but I'll be ok.

School is ok..nothing new, I'm actually very stressed about college. The school I want to go to is extremely expensive, and I still have to take my SATs...ah..school shouldn't be this hard.

So today my mom found out about my friend and she was talking to me about it, and I swear I haven't been so mad in a long time.

She started out fine, asking me how long I'd known and telling me that she felt so bad for her b/c she basically ruined her life, but then she just started talking so much s*** about how her b/f is lazy and irresponsible and he won't be able to support her at all (which is totally true, but that's not the way to say things), and how she's not surprised that it happened b/c she knew that they used to sneak out all the time and that she couldnt believe that even last weeked they went out to dinner and invited me to go with them when they knew what was happening and they were sleeping together the whole time, and ok besides the fact that I think it's dumb that now it's wrong for me to go out with them just b/c they had sex, what made me angrier was that I hate when she talks like she knows everything that goes on and shes ever so wise. Besides the fact that she refuses to believe it was my friend's first time EVER having sex with anyone, then she goes on a tangent and starts saying how she knows Ive snuck out with boys before and that God knows what Ive done with them, which is untrue b/c it only happened once and I did absolutely nothing and it hurts me to think that she thinks Im some slut. In the end I told her to shut up and to stop talking trash about MY best friend b/c as my mom she might be very old and experienced and wise, but IM the one who knows my friend, IM the one who spends time with her and IM the one who knows her best, and if she had been sleeping with him for a while she wouldve told me. I don't understand why everyone assumes theyd BEEN active for so long, when I found out it never ever crossed my mind to think that it wasnt her first time, maybe because I know her so well and I know she wouldnt lie to me, but it just made me mad that even after I tell my mom the truth, she stills says shes right and Im not and that I dont know anything about anything. I just wanted to reach over and hit her because I hate people who just draw conclusions w/o waiting to see whats really happening and who think they know everything, and thats exactly how she is. And what made me ever more mad was the fact that my best friend even told me that besides her immediate family, the ONE person she'd feel extremely ashamed in front of was going to be my mom because she cares so much about what my mom thinks, and here she is talkin a whole load of s*** about her.

Being judgemental and critisizing her isn't going to DE-pregnate her, so what good does it do?

I understand my mom's point in that her b/f is irresponsible and he doesnt have a steady job or much of an education, and she shouldnt have had sex with him knowing what couldve happened, but that's not the way you say it, that's not how you should talk about a person, especially someone close to you who you know is in so much pain.

Ah..so I'm settling into school life, it's not that bad. The teachers are super nice, the kids are cool, I don't mind it too much. I hate all the rules, I'm not used to such an uptight school, but it's ok.

My friend is telling her parents today, lets see how that one works out.

Maybe it's me, but it seems like life is moving extremely fast, some days I feel so old. It's like everything is changing and I'm struggling to keep up, but I guess that's the way things are supposed to go.

Perspective is what makes you realize that obsessing over your ex isn't as important when your Best friend gets pregnant and your other friend is on the border of a breakdown.

With everything that's been going on, I'm realizing all the things that were "depressing" me are so worthless. Well, not worthless, but not as important, I mean there are other people around me who are going through much harder things and who need my help. Maybe all this chaos is what I needed to realize that.

Today I found out my best friend could possibly be pregnant.

I didn't think I'd have to say that sentence until at least 4 years from now. At first I didn't believe her, I thought she was just playing around, now I WISH she'd been lying. I don't even know what to tell her. When I first figured out she was serious, I was kind of mad, I wanted to tell her what an idiot she was for being so careless, after we'd talked about it so much and she knew even though it was her first time, this could happen. But I decided me yelling at her wouldn't help, and nothing I said would change the facts. She took two pregnancy tests and they both came out positive, so she's going to the doctor some time this week to make sure. Only her, her boyfriend, her little sister and me know, so we're all going with her to the clinic. Honestly, I'm in total and complete shock, as bad as this might make me sound, I always figured I'd be the first one to have sex out of all of us, and she'd be the last. I mean she didn't even make out with her boyfriend, she wasn't into all that fooling around, but somehow they ended up having sex anyway, and now here come the consequences. I want to help her, but I don't know what to say or what to do, and I know she doesn't show it, but she's SO scared and so sad, she told me shoe cries herself to sleep every night, and it breaks my heart to see her like that. But it's so weird, it's like it hasn't completely sunk in yet, today after she told me I went to her house and we were just laying there watching tv and everything felt normal and all of a sudden it was like a WAVE swept over me and I remembered and I just wanted to cry. She is like my sister, I love her to death and I don't know what's going to happen if it turns out she's pregnant. Her parents are going to be so mad, and everything will change, her life will be completely turned upside down. And I know it's going to be so hard, and I will help her the whole way, I am 100% behind her, I'm not going to judge her at all and I will be completely supportive, but I can't help but be worried and sad and completely terified about all this.

I think I'm begining to realize just how complicated a person I am.

I mean, if sometimes I can't understand myself or know what I want, other people around me must have absolutely no clue. I was trying to explain to my mom why sometimes (most of the time) I don't want to hang out with my "friends" and why I have nothing in common with them, and it was really hard to explain. Mostly b/c I didn't want her to think it was for different reasons than the ones I have, but I kept thinking if I worded it wrong, it might come out very melodramatic and sappy and totally different from how I felt. So it was a complicated process which got me no where. Now she thinks I have some issue with my christian friends and that I dont like them BECAUSE they're christian, which is not the case at all.

But it got me to thinking, that a lot of other people who see that I DONT want to hang out with them and who see that I'm not as interested in them as I was before, might not understand why. They probably dont even have the slightest clue, and I doubt I'd be able to explain it to them in a way they would understand. But it's ok, the way I see it, any day now I'm going to fidn the right fgroup of people for me. People I fit in with, people who are good friends, reliable, understanding and FUN. One of these days...

I was thinking about the fact that so many people have secret blogs and they don't want any of their friends or family to even know about them (kind of like me) and I don't really know why. What is it that we're so afraid of? why do we feel like we have to hide away te way we really feel? Maybe it's just easier to say exactly what's on your mind when you know you won't have to give any explanations afterwards, or when you know there won't be any consecuences because nobody will know. Is it that we're scared of what people will think of us if they know what really goes on in our heads, what we think as opposed to what we pretend to think?. I guess it's good to just have a place where you can let it all out without worries or stress about who will read it and how they will interpret it. Maybe someday we'll all have the courage to reveal who we really are and we won't be afraid to say exactly how we're feeling and what we think. But until then, I sign, anonymous. 

well yesterday was a lot of fun. It was my Best friend's birthday so some of us took her out and we went to this greek restaurant and it was great. I think I had a good time b/c everyone wasn't all preocupied with their boyfriends and girlfriends and they actually just had a good time, and nobody was trying to act like my parent. We danced on tables and took shots of some blue stuff that Im still not sure what it was made of, and it was fun. And we ended the night with starbucks...which is the perfect ending for anything b/c starbucks rocks!

There should be more nights like these.

I wish I could fast forward through the next 3 weeks. As much as I loathe school I am so extremely bored being home all the time. I just want school to start and the next 6 months to go by FAST so I can be done with it already. Im bored bored bored.

In the end, everything gets better.

So many times I forget that despite it all, I have it so good. Even without a job or a car or tons of money, I have a great family and the equivalent of friends, and I have myself. I think I take things for granted too much, but then again, who doesn't? I let little things get to me and I leave it up to other people to dictate how I feel, and it shouldn't be like that, my happiness shouldn't depend on what others say to me or do to me, because if it does I'll be constantly going up and down and eventually collapse, which would explain how I was feeling before.

So I promise to stop for real this time. Regain control of my life, but at the same time just let things be.

I feel so unacomplished.

My best friend just got a car, shes 16 and she has a car, and a job. I'm turning 18 in 6 months and not only will nobody hire me, but I have no money and I'm not even close to getting or buying a car, I can't even drive! And it makes me so mad and frustrated b/c I'm the one with all the plans and all the goals and dreams, and I'm also the one with nothing. I know jobs,money and cars don't define who a person is, but they sure would make me feel like I've done something with my life! I mean I have nothing to show for myself...maybe a whole lot of clothes and shoes and belts and a crappy cellphone, but is that really it? 

I've come to realize that in the end everyone gets exactly what they deserve.

A lot of people on my mom's side of the family have been total assholes to us in the past. They saw us in need, and never bothered to help, in fact they made life harder for us. Now, that we're doing better and everything is ok, they're the ones who are suffering. Now their lifes are falling apart and like they did to us so many times, nobody is botering to help, nobody cares. I'm not saying this makes me happy, b/c I'm not THAT evil and vindictive, but I don't feel bad about it. I think the only people that I do feel bad for are their kids b/c it's not their fault that they have such terrible parents, and like always, the kids are always the ones who end up paying for the parent's mistakes. But besides that, I think what's happening to them is exactly what they deserve, even though everyone says how unfair life is, I think to some extent, life is VERY fair. No matter who you are, rich or poor, young or old, everything you do will ALWAYS come back to you. I believe it's God's work, because he is a fair and just God. Other people think it's Karma or the universe, whatever you believe in, the bottom line is: Be nice, be compassionate, don't hurt other people because it will come back to you and most likely it'll be a million times worse.

Once in my psychology class my teacher was talking about music affecting your mood and emotions, and at the time I really didn't agree. She did an experiment in which she played different songs and told us to write down what we felt during each one, my feelings didn't change at all, maybe because it was 7:30 in the morning and all I wanted to do was sleep. The point is, lately I have realized that music DOES play a huge part on a person's mood, at least on MY mood. Idk how I came to this conclusion, but one day I just decided that maybe I was feeling so down and bummed about everything b/c all the music I was listening to was this depressing emo/punk rock that basically only talked about sadness and broken hearts and other feelings of emptyness, so I decided to stop listening to that and go back to my old "ghetto" music, and to be honest I'm liking this better. I mean rock is great and the bands I listen to are awesome, but I think too much of it was making me just another depressed emo kid. So now I'm listening to Nelly and Pittbull and the Ying Yang twins and basically any kind of hip hop I can get my hands on. Even if all they talk about is bling bling, sex, cars and bitches and hoes, it sure beats listening to an entire band crying over getting dumped and how much life sucks. :D

I guess it's just easier to hide away and cry rather than find a way to fix things or just move on and leave things behind. Maybe because a part of me DOESN'T want to leave anything behind...I'm trying to think of that word that means people who like to be in pain (lol) I mean I dont LIKE to be in pain, but it would appear that way seeing as how I just sit around and cry so much over things I can't control. What bothers me the most is that I really am a very strong person, I don't walk around crying over every little thing, but to me this wasnt a little thing, and maybe that's it, the fact that it meant so much to me (maybe TOO much), that when it ended everything was ruined. It's like he was holding everything together for me and when he left, everything fell apart. But it shouldn't be that way, I KNOW that, I know better than this. I KNOW that I shouldn't base my life around one person, my world shouldn't revolve around what someone else does or doesn't do. I also know that things are going to be fine, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life alone and crying over him, even though sometimes it feels that way, I know that's not going to happen, I just need to remind myself of everything I know more often. 

Well Idk what the hell is wrong with tBlog, but I must rant.

I recently found out that the reason my brother doesn't leave for college or get a real job is b/c he has to stay here and help my dad out b/c my dad can't work by himself. And all of a sudden I started to feel extremely guilty for the way I act towards him sometimes. Even though the fact that he's a big help to my dad doesn't give him the right to go out and drink like a fish and party and smoke and be irresponsible, I guess that's all he has. He really can't work b/c if he does my dad won't be able to, and we need the money, and even if his grades suck, he could get a scholarship and go to a good school, but he can't really do that either. And here I am talking about my dreams and my goals and how I'm going to study hard and work hard b/c I don't want to end up like him, when in reality he "ended up" like that so that we could afford this house in this rich neighborhood where we live and so I could go to a good school that's NOT full of gang members and drug addicts or getting shot up every week. Even though him and my dad constantly fight, and sometimes he acts like a total jerk with my parents, and some days it seems like hes about to move out of the house and never come back, in the end he doesn't and they make up and he goes back to being the golden boy, and I know I sound bitter, and maybe I am, not so much bitter but jealous, b/c Ive never had that, everything I do, it takes me ages to be forgiven, everything I say, I'm never able to take back, but he is, but I guess I understand why. He's making a big sacrifice for us all. It never occurred to me that he probably has as many dreams and plans and goals as I do, maybe even more, but he had to give them up or at least put them on hold, so that he could help support the family, and I just wonder...would I be willing to do the same? would I actually forget about my career as an aspiring graphic artist/writer/interior designer/make-up artist/runway model/personal shopper and settle for staying here and working for my family? would I have left 3 years ago like he should have done? the truth is, I don't know, and that scares me. The fact that I don't know wether I would have valued my education and my own goals over my family terrifies me.

And now I begin to understand why he's everyone's favorite...